The Mallet of Understanding

Wielding the tools of cluelessness correction with a compassionate and well manicured hand.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Hu's in China?

Darlings, darlings, darlings! I know it's terribly unprofessional of me, but I simply must relate the following conversation I overheard while on a recent unsuccessful clue dleivery attempt to the White House:

Remember, you (probably) heard it here first!

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Today's winner of the Mallet of Understanding Award


mn_protests_cali, originally uploaded by Clue Fairy.

This unknown grand dame is today's winner of the Clue-ful Mallet of Understanding Award.

To see other pictures of protest, go here:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/news/a/2005/01/20/national1657EST0670.DTL&o=2

Friday, January 21, 2005

How the inauguration speech could have been improved.

In all the years I've been walking (working?) this vale of tears, I'm never had the chance to actually sit down and *listen* to an inaugural speech. Clue delivery is an arduous task, mon chers and must needs continue regardless of political victory-dancing.

But moi did read it, darlings and was simply overcome with the outrageous and atrocious "soaring rhetoric". *rolls eyes*

One should not criticize without offering an alternative, so here's moi's suggested clue-full and appropriate inaugural speech:

"My Fellow Americans, I'm proud to take the oath of office one final time. Let's face it, it doesn't matter what I say up here because I'm a politician and I won't deliver on anything I say. It's too damn cold to stand around and listen to platitudes and high-minded rhetoric, so let's say we wind up this oration and go have us a party, then get back to the task of total world domination, all right? First round's on my defeated opponent. Just kidding, John."

(Laura Bush, a quick one for you, darling. There is *no* such thing as "Winter White". You're too old to pass for a virgin bride, and "angel of mercy" is so loaded these days. You should have worn Royal Purple, instead.)

Thursday, January 20, 2005

bushblackout_4

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Moi is so embarrassed, she didn't post this properly before!

Moi is so embarrassed, this post was written ages ago, but due to some strange reason, it wasn't posted here at the time. Enjoy this (recent) blast from the past.

*ahem*.

Moi of course would Not, Never, Nuh-uh, forget the Cluemaster General behind the courageous Babs Boxer. I was saving the fanfare for today. Why today, my gentle readers ask? Why, it's Monday. Does moi *need* another reason? Certainly not.

The Person Of Whom I Gush, of course, is that dear, *dear* man, John Conyers. Let me kiss you, darling, you are *such* a delicious treat!

This man, nay, saint has spent countless hours ferreting out the rabbits of electoral fraud, his hound-keen nose following the fox of voter disenfranchisement, followed the blood trail of Triad-GSI technicians through the waters of Ohio polling places like the focused shark of...

Er.

I do apologize, darlings. But there just *isn't* any superlative strong enough for what Our Dear John has done.

I feel a vision of the future coming on...

I see a history book opening, and on it's pages I read "In the early part of 2005, Representative John A. Conyers began what has come to be known as the "Great Electoral Reform" by doggedly investigating reports of widespread vote fraud and corruption of the Republican party..."

*shiver of delicious pleasure*

Further reading provides further insight: "...as a result, votes across America are standardized, and no vote goes uncounted. With renewed faith in the electoral process, American election turnouts have been as high as 98% in some precincts, and it usually takes less than 3 minutes from arrival to completion. New methods of voting have virtually eliminated illegible ballots, and a tell-me-three-times redundant paper trail ensures impartiality."

*Le sigh of hopeful pleasure*

Now, how does one adequately honor such a man? Even moi knows that Ceremonial Mallets of Understanding or gilded clue-by-fours just aren't sufficient.

So here it goes:

John, Dearest, would you marry me?

Back off, gentle readers, I asked him first. But you can email him and give him double-plus kudos for his work, and loving support for the work he will be doing in the future for American elections.

Don't forget your manners, darlings!

Did you see that *stellar* job done by la belle Babs Boxer in the Senate Foreign Relations Committee confirmation hearings? Tres Manifique! A delectable snippet:

"Your loyalty to the mission you were given to sell this war overwhelmed your respect for the truth."
So, my dear and gentle readers, *do* write Senator Boxer a thank-note for her brave efforts. She and the recently-defeated Senator Kerry were the only two "no" votes against Dr. Rice.

Go, write, and remember: Grammar, spelling and punctuation count.

Send a message to Senator Boxer!

Send a message to Senator Kerry!

Oh, Chives, darling, would you fetch me my parchment, pen and ink? And what's taking you so long with that margarita?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

VICTORY IS OURS! (Plus, moi makes good on a mistake)

*le petit dans de absolute victory*

Oh, do, DO join in the celebrations, my minions! ("I'll take definition #3, Alex") Here, have some champagne and drink to our very first success! It seems, my darlings, that M. le delegate Cosgrove of the state of Virginia has decided to withdraw HB1677 from consideration in that state's legislature on Monday after receiving simply *scads* of emails from outraged citizens. According to this article, Delegate Cosgrove collapsed in a heap of tears from the abuse inflicted on his delecate sensibilities--or perhaps he got the message after *moi* took The Mallet of Understanding to him on our debut installment?

I am prepared to be gracious and generous, and share the glory of this decisive victory. After all, it's going to be a long, long, interminably long 4 years, mon chers. And it's going to take more than *moi* and my Mallet of Understanding to get clues into all those Clueless Wonders out there. Oh, yes, I do indeed owe a debt of gratitude to my inimitably capable and gorgeous "leftenant", John of AMERICAblog for alerting *moi* to our success. *MWA!* Kisses, kisses Johh-darling!

Chives, darling, break open another case of champagne! And for heaven's sake, take off that silly burkha. You do keep tripping on it, my dear! You know I can't afford health coverage for you...

In other news, it has been brought to my attention that I made a teeeeeensy-weeeeensy mistake.
*le look of disingeneous shame*

It seems that the "Board of Elections" of *one* province of Iraq quit, not for the entire country. Je te mea culpa, mon chers. In my haste to deliver the clue, I didn't present all the facts:

"In another significant blow to Iraq's upcoming elections, the entire 13-member electoral commission in the volatile province of Anbar, west of the capital, resigned after being threatened by insurgents, a regional newspaper reported Sunday."
There, boo-boo all better. And thank you to my darling BP for revealing my mistakes. The man is a *saint*, I tell you, an ABSOLUTE saint for pointing it out to *moi*.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Major Clue for Mr. Womack!

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Abu Ghraib pyramids 'not wrong':

Another photo featured Pvt Lynndie England, who has since had a child with Graner, leading a prisoner on a leash.

Mr Womack said tethers were "a valid tool" when dealing not only with prisoners, but also with children.

"You've probably been at a mall or airport and seen children on tethers; they're not being abused," he argued.



Clue Delivery for Mr. Womack!


Comparing wayward rugrats precious darlings with is just so...so...*outré* that I can hardly speak.

No, wait, I'm over it, I have recoveréd and am in *FULL* capacity of my ability to speak. Prisoners ≠ Children! Children are in danger of their lives in crowded malls where they are a danger to themselves and from others (not to mention the havoc they can cause when allowed to run free and unsupervised by their parents). Prisoners, on the other (well manicured) hand, are already in a supposedly "safe" place, both from themselves and from society at large, and are supposed to be safe--now pay attention, Mr. Womack, this is the important part--from harm done *by* their keepers. Further, children on restraints are allowed to, nay, *encouraged* to walk, while those prisoners were forced to *crawl* on all fours like--like animals or--or pre-ambulatory babies! *Le FUME*

Oh, and how DARE you compare and equate our proto-human--post fetii Precocious Little Angels with those nasty, unwashed and naked prisoners? Are you deliberately trying to invoke the wrath of millions of soccor-moms?


*Some* people's children, I swear!

Further: "

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" Guy Womack, Graner's attorney, said in opening arguments to the 10-member U.S. military jury at the reservist sergeant's court-martial."


*Le sigh*

Guy, I think you need to get out more, poopsie-kins. Cheerleading is supposed to *boost* morale, both of the team, and the fans. We'll skip the similarities to an assemblage of sacrificial virgins a la Celtic mythology for now, but tell me, just *whose* morale was lifted by seeing naked, humiliated men piled against their will into a heap?

3210200 23983A9C2A M
This is a heap. It's not a pyramid. You will note that the only people smiling are England and her beau Graner. In fact, other photographs show the prisoners hooded. I truly doubt they are smiling, Mr. Womack.

Now, compare closely for a clue:

3210186 4C4345Dd67 M
You will note that this is a photo of happy people who co-operated and built a human pyramid. Note the smiles on their faces. Note the pride of accomplishment. I'd be willing to bet that none of these people feel humiliated by what they are doing.

There's an important word I'd like you to learn, Mr. Womack: Consent. Without it, it's degradation, abuse and torture. Now, would you be so kind to turn around and bend over? I'd like to drive this home with the Rubber Hose of Knowledge On the Ethical Detention of Prisoners.

High Court Sides with Klan in Adopted Highway Program

High Court Sides with Klan in Adopted Highway Program:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Supreme Court let stand on Monday a ruling that the Ku Klux Klan white supremacist group can take part in Missouri's "Adopt-A-Highway" program in which volunteers pick up trash along the road and the state puts up a sign thanking the group.

To which moi says, let them. I rather like the idea of Klansmen bending over to pick up trash. What a pity those long white bed-sheets linen robes will hide their firm, round and athletic buttocks. Still, if done at night, they do present a very identifiable target presence, non? It also occurs to moi that they are not lynching our siblings of color if they are collecting le gar-bahge.

I have to wonder, though--do you think that particular stretch of highway is going to get most of the trash thrown out car windows?

Play nice, children. Used prophylactics go in the trash, not on the roadways.

Comments! We get COMMENTS!

*le SQUEEEEEEEE!*

*ahem*.

*modest preen*

So, it seems that *moi* is "very funny", according to John Aravosis of America Blog

*le blush*

Well, darling 'leftenant', you're quite a giggle-fest yourself. When I'm not *le fuming* right along with you!

*le wink*

All right, that concludes this meeting of the Blogosphere (Left Hemisphere Chapter) Mutual Admiration Society. Move along, nothing to see here.

Edit: I swear to *moi* it was there, honest, but somehow my Haloscan comments ate it out of sheer, undadulterated perversity of heart and meaness of spirit. Bad Haloscan, BAD!

*Ahem*.

Well, all right, it really isn't Haloscan's fault. Somehow my comments were under another Haloscan user's name, I just don't know *how* that happened,† but it should be fixed now, and if you don't believe me, go ask John himself.

Oh, Jo-o-o-hn, would you *pleeeeeease* repost your comment?
*le batting of eyelashes fetchingly*

† All right, I *do* know how, but I'm not admitting *anything*, do you hear me?
*Le chewing of fingertip in dainty disingenuity*

Edit part deux
I have *found* the link to the set of comments--and have ammended the link to reflect it.

ooh, Georgie-porgy....Clue Delivery!

After Threats, Iraqi Electoral Board Resigns (washingtonpost.com): Iraqi election officials quit en masse

Georgie,

Poopsie, I'd like you to pay close attention to this clue. It's very *very* important. The entire Iraqi Board of elections has quit, yes, all at once, that's what en masse means. Why is this clue important? Well, dear, it's like this; Either you're fibbing just a little bit or you're utterly clueless about what's really happening in Iraq, poopsie-kins.

Now, you see? Just like solids cannot occupy the same space, you can't have one version of a story that is opposite of another story.

No, Georgie, this story isn't made-up. No, Geor--Georgie, take your fingers--TAKE YOUR FINGERS OUT OF YOUR EARS RIGHT NOW!

*LE SIGH OF FRUSTRATED EFFORT*

Georgie, singing "The Star Spangled Banner" isn't going to change things, poopsie.

Why do I bother? Because I have a job to do, that's why. If not for me and my minions of clue delivery, we'd all be in gulags.

For immediate release: Cluella appoints a lieutanant.

John, don't hold back, tell us how you really feel!

John over a Americablog sings it loud and true--Southern Baptists are thanking God for the opportunity to save souls. They have prayed for an opportunity, and they seem to see one in the recent tragedy and disaster of the Tsunami. In fact, they are going to be using relief funds to build "Christian communities" complete with Christian churches smack dab in the middle of each "community".

Honestly, you people are too much. *Le fume*

Anyway, back to John--you darling man, as my "leftenant", I am presenting you with this working model of the Mallet of Understanding. Make sure you clean it well after each use--we don't want to spread Mad Christian disease!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Awards! We give awards!

Occasionally, moi will present awards to those who have shown exceptional effort in delivering clues to the clueless. My first award is to the noble, honorable and courageous Senator Barbara Boxer of California.

To: Sen. Boxer,
CC: Rep. Conyers,
Re: Award recipient

Memo:

Dearest Babs;

I must say I applaud your *valiant*, principled, and courageous attempt to deliver a clue about that vile, vile man, Alberto Gonzales. However, darling, it *pains me*, nay, slays me no end that your efforts went without effect. *Le sigh of resignation*


But such efforts should not go without reward. I hereby award you this miniature Mallet of Understanding for ceremonial use.

Remember, it is for display purposes only, and must not be used for intimidation, interrogation, or torture.

Brava, bellisima!
Cluella

Gentle and well-clued readers, I am *sure* you've already done so, but be sure to write to Senator Boxer to thank her for standing up and speaking out. And who will our next award recipient be? Stay tuned to this blog, gentle and well-clued readers!

Hello, darlings!

Well, well, well, what do you think of my new digs? I'll be posting here with clues for the clueless when my busy schedule of clue delivery allows.


After all, I've got about 51 million clues to deliver, and only gotten about 100,000 done so far. I may have to recruit some assistance from among the 49 million who didn't vote for Georgy-porgy. Oh, and I mustn't forget all those who *didn't* vote at all! *harumph*.


How positively cro-magnon can one be? You're about to find out, my well-clued darlings, trust me.


Briefly, consider Virgina (isn't for lovers mourning the end of a pregnancy) Delegate John A. Cosgrove: He has introduced a bill in the VA legislature that makes it mandatory for a woman to report a miscarriage within 12 hours, or face a $2500 fine and a year in jail.


You can read the latest over on The Well Timed Period.


Oh, John, darling, heads up. You're about to be my first recipient of a clue:


Now, where did I put my Mallet of Understanding? Oh, there it is!


There is no way to enforce this, you troglodyte! Wham!


This will criminalize women who have done no wrong other than invading their own privacy in order to notify police that they miscarried! Wham!


There. Hope this makes you realize just how clueless you are.


Cluella.