The Mallet of Understanding

Wielding the tools of cluelessness correction with a compassionate and well manicured hand.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

A bit of poetic justice from the Eddas

Darlings,

Sometimes Cluella Fey declines to deliver clues to the truly despicable out of a desire for personal safety. I'd rather roll naked in crushed glass and rusty thumb-tacks and then jump in a swimming pool of lemon juice than get close enough to make a delivery to that radioactive, chienne afghane rabique, Ann Coulter. It's all I can do to don my lead suit and read her vitriolic writing. I was struck by something she said in an article about James Guckert recently:

Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that dyspeptic, old Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president.


Never mind the absurdity of this sentence as logic for accusing Maureen Dowd of lying. In true form, she attacks instead of giving facts.

So who is this "dyspeptic, old" Helen Thomas? She's a reporter who's been covering the White house for 44 years. She upholds the ethics of journalism while challenging the status quo. And as far as I can tell, there are no genuine nude images of her on the "internets".

What Ann forgets is that 44 years of watching politics in the White House will make any rational human morose. Ann certainly doesn't have any room to talk, for that matter. After all, she was recently quoted saying that telling people on the street in New york city "Merry Christmas" is like saying "f*ck you".

And so, gentle readers, *Moi* has decided to leave Le Chienne to my good friend Elli. If you're not familiar, Elli was Utgard-Loki's nurse, and beat Thor to his knees in wrestling. Elli is old age.

I simply hope to see Elli take her quiet toll on Le Chienne. Some day Ann will be old and withered. She's already got a head start on dyspepsia. And when that day arrives, my dears, *moi* shall indulge freely and gleefully in blissful schadenfreude.




Monday, February 21, 2005

Georgie, poopsie-kins...

It's come to my attention that you have informed Prince Charles that HRH's affianced Mrs. Parker Bowles is not welcome in the White House because--*le gasp!*--she's divorced.

If those stodgy and repressed Brits can get over having a "divorced woman" in Buckingham Palace, (true, she will only be "Princess Consort" and not queen), surely you can play Gracious Host for an evening.

Or have you forgotten that Ronald Reagan was divorced?

And so is Prince Charles.

(Via Buzz Factor>365gay.com>The Sun)

Clue Delivery for...

Jeff Gannon
James D. Guckert
Karl Rove
White House staff
Secret Service
Dr. Bob Eberle
Ari Fleischer

*Le fume*

Whomever you are (and you know who you are!), just what were you thinking when you thrust inserted placed a conservative shill in the White House press pool with a findable history of prostitution as a "male escort"? Were you trying to give Republicans a bad name?

*La lumière des aubes de compréhension*

*Le petit dans du glee*

Oh, well done, well done indeed! *Moi* could embrassez vos deux joues avec le plaisir!

8" my lily-white...

*ahem*.

Nothing to see here, move along now.

(*Moi* would like to thank her faithful and deliciously salacious Leftenant John at AMERICABlog (Not Work Safe, Darlings!) and those sublimely clue-full minions, the dKossaks for disrobing uncovering revealing finding the dirt on Gannon/Guckert this story!)

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Librarians! Quick! Hide your copies of "The Color Purple"!

Excusé moi while I hoist my lavender tights as a way of girding my loins. Now, where did I put my violaceous Mallet of Heterosexual Understanding?

It seems that Mr. Gerald Allen, representative of District 62 in the Great State of Confusion Alabama has proposed a bill to ban books that "...sanction, recognize, foster, or promote a lifestyle or actions prohibited by the sodomy and sexual misconduct laws of the state."

So, in effect, Mr. Allen wants to pull such classics as "The Color Purple" by Alice Walker.

And who would be in charge of determining which books would be pulled from the shelves and burned on the steps of the Alabama statehouse? Certainly not *this* clueful librarian:

Jaunita Owes is the director of Montgomery's City County Public Library. She feels that pulling books off the shelf due to unfavorable content adds up to one thing... censorship. "I don't think it's the role of the state of Alabama to, in essence, dictate to me as a parent what I can and cannot read, and that's what we're moving towards when we do this.

Gerald, poopsie-kins, head up, eye forward, this won't hurt a bit.

*WHAM!*

Get a clue, mister representative. Reading books does not spread queerness. Obviously, *not* reading them spreads ignorance and we all know that's a field ready for the sowing of the tares and thistles of violence and homophobic hatred.

Honestly, some people's children...
(With gracious thanks to my legion of mignons at "Crooks & Liars" for the information)


Serious note: Threats against any citizen, no matter how much you disagree with him are just plain wrong. I use humor of a violent nature to make points, but to actually convey threats to this or any other of the clueless makes you worse than them. If you choose to contact Mr. Allen, please show basic human dignity and respect. Don't be a vicious troglodyte.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Clue Delivery for "Bud" Stevenson!

4464787 Fb5431Bf20 M

Honestly, have you ever seen such a dour face? Honey, sucking lemons might make an improvement. Be that at is may, the reason *moi* is making a delivery to "Bud" is because of the idiocy of this headline:

"Terror detainees have no rights, so get over it."

Oh, contraire, you ignorant pusillanimous troglodyte masquerading as a human being! Cluella is here to correct you with this handsome solid gold edition of the

Geneva Convention relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War

Considering we are supposedly "at war" against terrorism, doesn't that make "terrorists" prisoners of war?

Further: Torture is forbidden by the Geneva Conventions, both in cases of internal conflicts (Convention I, Art. 3, Sec. 1A), wounded combatants (Convention I, Art. 12), civilians in occupied territories (Convention IV, Art. 32), civilians in international conflicts (Protocol I, Art. 75, Sec. 2Ai) and civilians in internal conflicts Protocol II, Art. 4, Sec. 2A).

Take that, you asinine fascist!

*WHACK!*